Moments with Mark Twain
Jul 2020 · Otbebookpublishing
Ebook
187
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About this ebook
Excerpt: ""Moral Statistician."—I don't want any of your statistics; I took your whole batch and lit my pipe with it. I hate your kind of people. You are always ciphering out how much a man's health is injured, and how much his intellect is impaired, and how many pitiful dollars and cents he wastes in the course of ninety-two years' indulgence in the fatal practice of smoking; and in the equally fatal practice of drinking coffee; and in playing billiards occasionally; and in taking a glass of wine at dinner, etc., etc., etc. And you are always figuring out how many women have been burned to death because of the dangerous fashion of wearing expansive hoops, etc., etc., etc. You never see more than one side of the question. You are blind to the fact that most old men in America smoke, and drink 2coffee, although, according to your theory, they ought to have died young; and that hearty old Englishmen drink wine and survive it, and portly old Dutchmen both drink and smoke freely, and yet grow older and fatter all the time. And you never try to find out how much solid comfort, relaxation, and enjoyment a man derives from smoking in the course of a lifetime (which is worth ten times the money he would save by letting it alone), nor the appalling aggregate of happiness lost in a lifetime by your kind of people from not smoking. Of course you can save money by denying yourself all those little vicious enjoyments for fifty years; but then what can you do with it? What use can you put it to? Money can't save your infinitesimal soul. All the use that money can be put to is to purchase comfort and enjoyment in this life; therefore, as you are an enemy to comfort and enjoyment, where is the use of accumulating cash? It won't do for you to say that you can use it to better purpose in furnishing a good table, and in charities, and in supporting tract societies, because you know yourself that you people who have no petty vices are never known to give away a cent, and that you stint yourselves so in the matter of food that you are always feeble and hungry. And you never dare 3to laugh in the daytime for fear some poor wretch, seeing you in a good humor, will try to borrow a dollar of you; and in church you are always down on your knees, with your eyes buried in the cushion, when the contribution box comes around; and you never give the revenue officers a full statement of your income. Now you know all these things yourself, don't you? Very well, then, what is the use of your stringing out your miserable lives to a lean and withered old age? What is the use of your saving money that is so utterly worthless to you? In a word, why don't you go off somewhere and die, and not be always trying to seduce people into becoming as "ornery" and unloveable as you are yourselves, by your villainous "moral statistics"? Now I don't approve of dissipation, and I don't indulge in it, either; but I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices, and so I don't want to hear from you any more. I think you are the very same man who read me a long lecture last week about the degrading vice of smoking cigars, and then came back, in my absence, with your reprehensible fireproof gloves on, and carried off my beautiful parlor stove."
About the author
Mark Twain, born Samuel Langhorne Clemens on November 30, 1835, in Florida, Missouri, is one of America's most celebrated authors and humorists. Twain's early life was marked by a series of adventures and misadventures along the Mississippi River, which would later provide rich material for his literary works. His pen name, "Mark Twain," is a riverboat term indicating a depth of two fathoms, safe water for navigation, symbolizing his deep connection to the river.Twain's writing is renowned for its wit, satire, and keen social commentary. He tackled issues such as racism, class disparities, and human folly with a sharp, often humorous lens. His works, including "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" and "Life on the Mississippi," remain staples in American literature, offering insight into 19th-century life and culture.Twain was also a vocal critic of imperialism and a supporter of civil rights, using his platform to challenge societal norms and injustices. His friendship with figures like Frederick Douglass and his outspoken views on slavery and human rights positioned him as a progressive voice in a tumultuous era.Controversies surrounding Twain often stemmed from his unflinching critique of society and his use of regional dialects, which some contemporaries found crude. However, these elements have cemented his legacy as a pioneer of American realism.Twain's influence extends to countless contemporary writers who admire his narrative style and fearless exploration of social issues. His revolutionary ideas and enduring works continue to resonate, making him a timeless figure in the literary world.
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