Do you have a healthy mental attitude and a positive outlook on life? Good for you. This means you are in the right frame of mind. If you don’t, this means you are in the left frame of mind. This is not so good. The left frame of mind is the wrong frame of mind. It means you have a Leftist Brain. Sorry. I don’t make up the rules. And life isn’t fair.

At least you’re not alone. Leftist brains are everywhere. And they produce an endless variety of good intentions that go bad. There is, for instance, no fundamental difference between a Soviet communist Leftist Brain and a Wisconsin Democrat Leftist Brain. It is merely a matter of degree of Leftist Brain brainness. This is because all leftist brains share the following three characteristics:

1) The belief that COLLECTIVISM is good and individualism is bad. The Leftist Brain strives for parental government that promotes childlike dependency. It expects the State to regulate everything from daycare to retirement. It does not care that such cradle-to-grave infantilization undermines its own autonomy as long as it is told this is being done in the name of “equality,” a wonderful sounding ideal that does not exist in Nature.

2) The conviction that COERCION is preferable to voluntary cooperation. The Leftist Brain wants a world in which all submit to a strict regime of conformity. It has no confidence in the spontaneous order created through mutual agreement. It is vexed by the thought of unrestricted individuals deciding things for themselves because they might not have “the greater good” in mind. It is convinced that “the ends justify the means” and only respects the rule of law when it is “interpreted” in the way it deems fit.

3) SENSE OF MISSION overrides common sense. The Leftist Brain sees itself as one of the chosen “on the right side of history.” It feels superior to ordinary brains that can never enjoy its higher, enlightened status. This delusion serves the psychological function of bolstering what is typically the weak self-esteem of a brain that is ungrateful, ungenerous and unhappy. Its feigned altruism hides its lack of true empathy and reveals pronounced narcissist tendencies. Unchecked, these tendencies lead to full-blown nihilism. This is why a Leftist Brain is so easy to trigger and eager to resort to violence.

Sadly, it is precisely these characteristics of Leftist Brain brainness that have led our society to where it is today. Because like it or not, we live in a Leftist Brain world. It is a world very far removed from the one the framers of the Constitution originally intended. Instead of enjoying individual freedom in a system that protects our liberties through the exercise of limited negative rights (don’t do this, don’t do that), the Leftist Brain’s endless quest for equality means ever growing government coercion through the exercise of unlimited positive rights (do this, do that). We must do as we are told, in other words. We have become indentured servants to the State.

The following is a collection of observations about the nature of the Leftist Brain. The chapters are playfully arranged in a way that does not limit their content to what is indicated by the given title. Each chapter will also offer a short quiz at the end which you will fail miserably.

Most of these observations are meant to be humorous, although some might seem more biting, bitter and cynical than laugh-out-loud funny. This is because they are in fact more biting, bitter and cynical than laugh-out-loud funny.

I hope you enjoy them anyway.